Child Sexual Abuse –
the Invisible Demon
around Us
When Jaya Menon*’s
daughter, then 12, ran around their apartment complexes in Hyderabad with the
various gangs of children, Jaya made it a point to call out to her from the
windows every half an hour. Her daughter was told to stick to the group and
come home for her mother’s permission before entering any flat. Even if it was
only to drink water or collect a friend, Jaya’s daughter was to stand outside
in the hallway. Now an adult, Jaya’s daughter doesn’t have very clear memories
of these strict rules but she does remember that her mother or some trusted
adult was never more than a shout away. Unobtrusive, but always present.
What Jaya
feared was what many mothers fear – Child Sexual Abuse (CSA). She had been
abused herself by a male family member when she was nine, and didn’t get much
support when she tried to tell her mother about it. The memories had lingered
and coloured her outlook on life. As her daughter grew, she tried to balance
her desire to allow her child the independence she wanted with the protection
that Jaya knew she needed. Other adults found Jaya’s behaviour overprotective
but her husband Amit* who knew her story, supported and encouraged her.
Last May, when
Aamir Khan featured CSA on Satyameva
Jayate, the episode proved to be a vindication of sorts for Jaya and many
other survivors like her. Shut up as a child, she saw on national television a
renowned celebrity acknowledge and discuss what she went through. The show
began with a nation-wide study by the Ministry of Women & Child Development,
Government of India, that concluded that 53% of study’s 12447 respondents, aged
5-24 years, had faced some form of sexual abuse. Jaya was nowhere close to
being alone.
What
Is Child Sexual Abuse?
Broadly
speaking, child sexual abuse is recognized as emotional, psychological and/or
sexual exploitation of a child by an adult. It comes in many forms, from
forcing a child to perform sexual acts under duress to exposing a child to
pornography. It can emotionally and physically scar children for life,
compromise their mental and physical wellbeing as adults and in severe cases,
impede them from leading well-adjusted lives as responsible members of society.
As concerned
parents let us separate fact from fiction in some common misconceptions about
child sexual abuse:
Misconception #1
CSA only occurs
in lower class, uneducated or broken households.
Studies the
world over show that CSA can occur in any kind of a home. A child from a single
parent family is not necessarily more at risk than a child in a joint household
filled with adults. A child who is taught rules of basic safety and whose guardians
are obviously and openly keeping a close eye on his/her well-being, is likely
to be safer than more neglected children. Abusers prey on children they can
bribe or browbeat into keeping quiet about abuse.
Misconception #2
Our
children can only be harmed or abused by strangers.
An unsettling half of
the abused children studied by the Ministry of Women & Child Development reported that their abusers were people they knew, usually a
close family member but also often a trusted outsider such as a family friend,
household help, tuition teacher etc. The devastation of this abuse of power can
be incalculable. Sheela Malkani*, 36, a successful work-from-home professional,
not only went through years of therapy (with full family support) to help her
cope with the after effects of her sexual abuse as a child, but continues to
regress into deep depression when forced to be in contact with her abuser at
family occasions.
Misconception #3
CSA
only happens to girls.
Child sexual abuse is called so because it can happen to a
child of either sex. In fact, the study by the Ministry of Women & Child
Development noted that approximately 53% of the boys interviewed reported
sexual abuse, shattering the myth that only girls are susceptible to abuse and
should be protected. Lending open support to this understanding is Harish Iyer,
an Equal Rights Activist and vocal supporter of child rights, who has often
spoken about the sexual abuse he faced as a seven year-old. His story became
inspiration for a character in director Onir’s landmark 2011 film I Am that talked about CSA.
Misconception #4
Children don’t
need to know about sex.
Shuktara Lal, a
drama therapy professional who has worked with survivors of abuse, begs to
differ. She emphasises that “It’s only when we start sex education that we can
help our children understand what sex is all about. And it’s only then that we
can honestly explain sexual abuse to them and tell them what they need to be
careful about and, if they do experience something abusive, who they should go
to immediately.” Sex education can be as basic as teaching a toddler to
correctly identify and name body parts or as detailed as explaining pregnancy
and intercourse to older children. There is no set age to have this conversation
but it is best to discuss this with your child before they acquire incorrect
information from elsewhere – such as an abuser.
Signs
of CSA
Writing about
her own abuse in the New York Times this April, Indian journalist and author
Nilanjana S Roy noted that “the chief violation [is that] abusers did not ask
us for permission to use our bodies as they pleased.” This sense of defilement
runs deep in abused children, as adult survivors such as Harish Iyer and
Cindrella Prakash know only too well. Like Iyer, Prakash has also appeared on
radio and TV shows (including Satyameva
Jayate), online chats and interviews to talk about the importance of
recognizing, understanding and addressing child sexual abuse.
Child sexual abuse is usually (though not
always) indicated by inexplicable injuries, rashes and infections in a child –
in the genital regions or elsewhere.
Other signs of possible abuse are overly
sexual behaviour by young children, moods swings or depression, sudden terror
of familiar faces or strangers, alcohol or drug abuse, problems at school etc.
A
Mother’s Role
CSA is the
invisible demon that sits on many a mother’s shoulder. Fears of CSA have
otherwise indulgent mothers refuse permission for class trips, sleepovers, even
birthday parties and play dates. It is the unnamed fear that pervades
parenting.
Even mothers
who claim not to know or care about CSA, because “it doesn’t happen in decent,
educated families like ours” nevertheless follow the ‘rules’ of protection –
insisting that a child be home before dark, that children stick together in
groups etc. It is a subject that is widely considered taboo or indecent in
India but… truth be told, we have all had our share of such ‘uncles’ – the ones
who kiss young girls when drunk, or insist on the children sitting on their
laps though the child is clearly uncomfortable.
Rohini*,
blogger and mother of an 8 year old boy and a 4 year old girl, knows that she
cannot protect her children from every danger there is, but she believes in
arming herself and them as best she can. Although her mother finds her worries
“paranoid” Rohini takes pains to educate herself on possible abusive
situations, sifting through mainly online information, and has discussed safety
and possible reactions with both her son and daughter. The way she sees it,
safety education is vital “so they know right from wrong and are equipped to
say no, call for help and confide in their parents if something were to happen
to them. I think suffering abuse in a shameful silence can be far more harmful
to a kid's psyche and self-esteem than the actual abuse.”
It is important
that parents start teaching their children as early as possible where they
should and should not be touched, that if they feel uncomfortable they are
allowed to say “no”, loudly and repeatedly, that if a child comes to complain
of any kind of uncomfortable incident, whether abusive or not, he/she will
receive trust and support. We often urge our children to make physical contact
such as handshakes or kisses but a friendly “Namaste” or “Hi” or even a smile
is perfectly acceptable too. A forced physical gesture confuses a child’s
innate sense of boundary. Younger children, especially ones who aren’t yet
talking, should be bathed, cleaned or changed by you at least once every day,
no matter how trusted your support system. Older children must be made to
understand that internet usage is a privilege and comes with safety rules.
Teach yourself and your children about online predators. Gowri Shetty* does not
allow her teenaged sons to pass on personal information (phone numbers,
addresses etc.) except in person and checks their Facebook accounts regularly.
Lastly, it is important that parents retain a sense of
perspective. Discussing danger with children is far more important than
refusing them permission to engage with the world, whether online or off. Since
we cannot guard over our children all their lives, the best gift we can make
them to is to teach themselves to keep themselves safe.
IN A NUTSHELL
How to keep your children
safe:
- Discuss
safe touch/unsafe touch.
- Listen
to your children.
- Teach
your child to protest.
- Do
not insist on physical contact.
- Check
your child.
- Reassure
your child.
- Monitor
internet usage.
- Draw
information boundaries.
- Spend
time online with your child.
- Don’t
be paranoid.
This article of mine appeared in Mother's World magazine last September. I'm re-posting it here as a part of CSAAM 2014.
